He only does this when he’s drunk. At first it didn’t bother me. We married before he was king, and I was madly in love with him. Even then, Ahasuerus — or Xerxes to the Greek speakers of our kingdom — frequently asked me to pose for him. We’d drink until we lost our inhibitions.

“Vashti,” he would say, “Come. I want to study you.” He enjoyed my body, and I enjoyed disrobing for his pleasure.

But since he was crowned King of Persia three years ago, he has started drinking more. I’m sure some is the pressure of the role, but I think mostly he just wants to have a good time.

He often hosts one of his governors or guests from other lands, and the wine flows limitless. When he gets good and drunk, he asks me to pose, but now it’s not just for him. It’s for everyone in the room.

The king wants his guests to recognize him as a real man, and for that, I become nothing more than his trophy, wearing only my crown.

I’ve started to resent it. I dread these parties. I agonize for days because I know what’s coming.

“Vashti,” the eunuchs call. “The king is ready for you.”

I’ve started shaking when I hear the summons. My stomach turns sick. I can hardly pull myself together to do what I have to do. Or what I think I have to do.

There’s a party tonight. It’s the biggest one yet. Over 100 men are coming. The whole palace has been in a tizzy getting ready.

Except for me. Not this time.

I made up my mind this morning. I’m not going to do this again. I refuse to pose. Not for my husband. Not for his guests. Not for anybody. Ever. I’m done.

Tonight, when they come to get me, I’m going to say “no.” No! I’m not going to be their eye candy anymore.

Instead, I’m going to listen to myself. It’s time for this queen to rule her inner house, and it’s starting tonight.

I’d be a fool if I wasn’t scared. I know how angry the king gets, especially when he’s drunk. He might hurt me. He might banish me. Hell, he might even kill me.

But I’m willing to accept the risk. Anything is better than this prison I live in. I’m ready to break free.

“No!” “No!” I can hardly wait to tell him: “NO!”

Courtney C. Joyner is assistant professor of formation at Eastern Mennonite University, where she also directs the seminary’s Thriving in Ministry grant, funded by the Lilly Endowment Inc. Her research focuses on the intersection of trauma, ministry and spiritual care.