Making peace with death

There are many belief systems in the world today. This reflection embraces the Judeo-Christian faith. Those who embrace faith have also been given much hope. As an introduction, and to give you some insight relative to the spirituality of dying, I will quote a story from Henri Nouwen’s book on Our Greatest Gift: A Meditation on Dying and Caring (HarperOne, 2009). It is a story about a conversation between twins in their mother’s womb.

The sister said to the brother, “I believe there is life after birth.”

Her brother protested vehemently, “No, no, this is all there is. This is a dark and cozy place, and we have nothing else to do but cling to the cord that feeds us.”

The little girl insisted, “There must be something more than this dark place. There must be something else, a place with light where there is freedom to move.” Still she could not convince her twin brother. After some silence, the sister said hesitantly,
“I have something else to say, and I’m afraid you won’t believe that, either, but I think there is a mother.

Her brother became furious, “A mother,” he shouted. What are you talking about? I have never seen a mother, and neither have you. Who put that idea in your head? As I told you, this place is all we have.”

“Don’t you feel these squeezes every once in a while? They’re quite unpleasant and sometimes even painful. I think these squeezes are there to get us ready for another place, much more beautiful than this, where we will see our mother face to face. Don’t you think that’s exciting?”

This story may help us think about death in a new way, says Nouwen. We can live as though this life is all we have and the thought of death is absurd and we shouldn’t have to take the time to even think about it. Or we can agree with the sister in the story that there must be a Creator, greater than ourselves, and we can “choose to claim our divine childhood and trust that death is but the painful but blessed passage that will bring us face to face with our (Creator) God.”

Nouwen’s statement means this world is not what it’s all about. There is a larger reality out there that we have yet to experience. This recognition may be our first step in the process of making peace with death or our mortality.

Nouwen says that simply recognizing we are dependent on God brings freedom. Whereas human dependency enslaves, divine dependence leads to freedom. “Divine dependence is a gift and makes dying part of a greater and much vaster way of living,” writes Nouwen in Our Greatest Gift. This freedom allows one to see the whole human race as brothers and sisters and children of the one Creator God, who is perfect love.

Thus, he says, “when we can reach beyond our fears to the One who loves us with a love that was there before we were born and will be there when we die, oppression, persecution and even death will be unable to take away our freedom. Once we have come to the deep inner knowledge—a knowledge more of the heart than of the mind—that we are born out of love and will die into love, that every part of our being is deeply rooted in love and that this love is our true Father and Mother, that all forms of evil, illness and death lose their final power over us and become painful, but hopeful reminders of our true divine childhood.”

The Apostle Paul’s way of expressing this freedom is recorded in Romans 8:35-39: “Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ’s love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture. … None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I’m absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us” (The Message).

These verses give us confidence that even in death we are not separated from God’s love, and we can walk through life and especially the latter stages of life and through the very gates of death itself with the confidence of abiding in God’s love and presence at all times. As David Roper in his book The Song of a Passionate Heart Psalm 23 (Discovery House, 1996) says: “Death for God’s children is not bitter frustration but mere transition into a larger and permanent love—a love undisturbed by time, unmenaced by evil, unbroken by fear, unclouded by doubt.”

The story about the twins suggests that we are born to die. We are born for a larger reality, a reality that we are blinded to in this present life. This can be compared to mothers giving birth. We do not want the babies in our wombs to be afraid to leave the darkness of those wombs. People who have near-death experiences have often seen beyond the present reality and have given witness to a larger reality. Most of their experiences agree as having encountered feelings of tremendous love, warmth and peace, saying that they will never be afraid of death again.

One young man said to his wife before he died, “It’s all about love.” Living is about love and the joy of knowing the source of love and belonging to one human family. Dying is also about love because we return to Perfect Love—the One who created us in the first place.

Dying, however, is seldom a sweet sentimental event. Rather, it is a great struggle to surrender our lives completely and let go of the familiar and earthly about us, to let go of all we have humanly experienced. It may evoke feelings of fear because the path we are going, we have never before experienced. The common human tendency is to cling to this life, to the known and to the relationships we love.

There are exceptions, however. My own mother, sensing that her life work was completed, begged Jesus to come and take her. Another example is a friend’s son, who at college age became deathly sick. It appears that on his hospital bed he had heavenly visitors who prepared him for the journey, and he was ready to leave his sick body. Many dying people experience a deep peace and even before they leave their bodies become aware of their larger reality, seeing God or deceased loved ones. My father-in-law was one of these. He seemed happy, whereas before that he expressed a fear of dying.

In their process of dying, most people seem to get in touch with a larger reality. Some say this is wishful thinking. In his book Peaceful Dying (Parselus Books, 1999), Daniel R. Tobin writes, “Perhaps it’s something much deeper—a capacity to see clearly for the first time, as the paraphernalia of daily living recedes from vision, what’s really there.”

Death is nothing we can practice for but we can practice achieving and maintaining a sense of peace about it. As we approach the end of life it is especially important to be in harmony and communion with others, especially family, as much as possible. Actually, it can be called keeping our lives updated in our relationships or letting go of our resentments and making peace with those who have hurt us one way or another as much as possible. Life is too short to hold on to resentments and refuse to love. Otherwise, we will have too much to do when the actual time comes. One of the greatest gifts we can give our families is to let them know we have peace with death and give them a good example of how to die. The importance of leaving good or positive memories cannot be stressed enough. Another wonderful gift to give to our families is to think and plan ahead. Talking to our family about this is often not the most desired conversation. However, it is a good teaching method, and the family will be grateful, when the time comes for your departure, to know that you have already made your final plans. They will know exactly what your wishes are.

As one gets closer to the end of life, there is a shift in what one sees as important. We see life in a new light and old values and reassess priorities, which tend to change. We focus anew on the deeper meaning of life and begin to realize that all of life’s experiences have meaning for us. Things that once seemed crucial will diminish in importance, while other things that were kept on the back burner take on major significance. Processing the meaning of these experiences becomes important and is emotionally hard work.

At this point, it is important that the caregiver or family members have accepted the reality of death and embraced it as a part of life. In this way, they can encourage a deeper sense of peace and tranquility for the dying.

In conclusion, let’s remember that it’s important that we see dying as a natural and inevitable part of living. It is healthy to befriend death, that is, to think about and process our own ways of looking at it so that when we are confronted with it, we see it not as an enemy or as something we have to fight against. It means we define our own values and priorities and seek to be true to our convictions throughout our lives.

It is good to remember that life and dying are all about love; recognizing and responding to God’s love and surrounding ourselves with loving relationships. Edgar Cayce in his book A Course in Miracles (Foundation for Inner Peace, 1975) stresses the importance of pure love in our lives. He believes such love is at the core of the universe, the true God, and he is confident that death is simply a return to that core. Let us encourage one another with these thoughts and words.

Elena Yoder is a hospice chaplain and bereavement coordinator and attends Albuquerque (N.M.) Mennonite Church.