We all need to face the reality of our own or our parents’ aging.

At a library fair where we were displaying our book, Necessary Conversations Between Adult Children and Their Aging Parents, a woman stopped by our table. She glanced at the book cover, read the table of contents and walked away. Later she returned, spent more time examining the book, and with a pained look on her face muttered under her breath, “I can’t do it,” and left.

We assumed she meant she couldn’t talk with her adult children about aging. Perhaps she had no adult children. Maybe it was just the idea of aging itself that bothered her.

Whatever the reasons for her resistance, we all need to face the reality of our own aging or the aging of our parents. We even need to face the aging of people in our neighborhoods and churches. We do that best when we talk about it with each other.

These conversations can lead to a partnership of mutual accountability, transparency and support. Clearly, everyone has an interest in assuring that it happens.

Ideally the conversations between parents and adult children begin when the parents retire. That transition signifies an end of one stage and the beginning of another. Parents are moving from a life of structure, purpose and meaning to one that is unknown.

Many have feelings of self-doubt and a loss of purpose, while others are beginning to recognize some physical or cognitive losses. Some seniors have trouble talking about these changes, and it may be just as hard for their adult children. Nonetheless, it is important that the conversations begin as early as possible.

This transition comes at the same time the parents’ lives are becoming more complicated. Decisions about housing, computer upgrades and finances, among other things, can make life difficult. Some of the hardest decisions are about health and end-of-life plans. Compared with earlier generations, seniors now have many more decisions to make than their parents did.

Even though there may be no immediate need to talk, getting the process started at this time allows the family to discuss the various options in a more objective and relaxed way. Parents provide full disclosure of their financial situation, the details of the will, preferences regarding housing, and other matters.

Usually everything is open for discussion. Parents will welcome the opinions of their adult children. Not only can that lead to better outcomes, it allows for resolving conflicts that could surface later on. This early start enables all members to understand their feelings about the changes that are taking place and to come to peace with each other and their shared losses. This process can make the losses more bearable later on. It can also relieve adult children of guilt if they have to make decisions for their parents.

The easiest conversations about aging are the ones that happen spontaneously. They take place in the midst of the common, day-to-day interactions between parents and adult children. They may happen during a phone call, an email, casual visits, a family vacation or even in a Skype chat. Conversations can include questions about daily activities or any new challenges that parents are confronted with.

At some point, families will need to set up formal meetings. Ideally all members can be present to assure that everyone has equal input and involvement. Someone serves as a facilitator, another takes notes, and agreements are written down. Additional meetings will be set up as the need arises.

The emphasis should always be on a process that is designed to respect and honor the parents, as well as the feelings and opinions of the adult children. All decisions should be handled sensitively and lovingly, even if there is not complete agreement.

As Christians, families should never go through this process alone. God calls the church community to partner with seniors and their families to care for their aging members. This is even more important for seniors who have never been married, for those who have no children or who have adult children with limitations.

This family/congregation partnership is especially urgent because the percent of older members in the pews is increasing rapidly. Road Signs for the Journey, a survey in 2007 of Menno­nite Church USA by Conrad Kanagy, indicated that members 75 and older made up 15 percent of their congregation. The church cannot ignore the reality of the change in demographics.

While in past generations families took care of each other, today’s smaller families are much more likely to be scattered geographically. Thus, the congregation plays a more important role in helping seniors and their adult children prepare for this last stage of life. They have a shared mission.

Decisions that the family make inevitably impact the congregation. The implications for aging congregations are broad. Inevitably it means that pastors will devote more time visiting members in hospitals, nursing-care facilities and in their homes. They may need to offer supportive care to spouses and adult children. Funerals will become a common part of their schedule.

Pastors can be caught in the middle when there is conflict. During times of stress, family differences over housing, finances, health, end-of-life and even the funeral itself can place the pastor in a difficult position. However, when pastors get involved with families early, they can be more helpful when a crisis arises.

The church plays a prophetic role in establishing a positive stewardship legacy for families. That includes influencing how financial resources are managed. We are a part of a culture that emphasizes the rights of individuals at the expense of the community.

Sociologist Robert Bellah calls it expressive individualism. In that environment, people make choices that are primarily self-ser­ving.

On the other hand, the church can help families discuss their financial options and better understand the implications of their decisions. Among other things, it is important that seniors make wise choices for where they will live and whether they should choose expensive medical interventions that provide limited quality of life. When resources are managed in a godly way, seniors will be generous in the gifts they give to the church and its institutions. Estate planning that emphasizes good stewardship is a mission of the church.

As Mennonites we have historically practiced bearing each other’s burdens. Today many individuals want to be self-sufficient and maintain their independence. Others seek care in institutions. Often seniors say they don’t want to be a burden on their families. By contrast, Episcopal Priest Giles Fraser says, “I do want to be a burden on my loved ones, just as I want them to be a burden on me—it’s called looking after each other.”

Caregiving can be offered in many different ways. Some adult children may move in with their declining parents or invite the parents into their home. More typically, adult children provide support through frequent visits, phone calls or assisting with various housekeeping tasks. Some adult children may take on a coordinating role to assure that support services are provided by community agencies.

Whatever the family’s level of involvement, the church can partner with them in arranging transportation, meals and even giving respite for adult children caregivers who need a break. Regular visits by church members to the elderly can be life-giving for both the visitor and the one visited.

Congregations that value diversity will recognize the presence of seniors in their midst. They will be placed in the center of church life, perhaps even in seating arrangements.

What a gift it would be to have younger members choosing to sit next to seniors during worship! Everyone would be enriched by observing seniors being escorted to the platform to read the Scripture or when they lead children’s worship from their wheelchair. When congregations allow seniors to withdraw, everyone is diminished.

Lifespan exposure and awareness is important to everyone. Their wisdom and life experience is a gift.

The needs and losses of the seniors will be acknowledged as a part of the worship service. Although hospitalizations, rehabilitation needs and death of a spouse are always noted publically, their other losses should not be ignored. That can include loss of purpose, hearing, inability to sing in the choir, needing assistance with walking and memory problems.

Let the conversations begin; between aging parents and their adult children, between senior members and their congregations. Conversations are the only way of knowing and honoring our seniors and responding to their changing needs. Accepting the responsibility for bearing each other’s burdens means that congregations will make sure that conversations take place within families and within the church family.

To fail to do that is to limit our mission as a congregation. It would be like walking by a wounded traveler while we are on our way to something more important. We care for seniors and about them best if they are sitting next to us, communing with us, aging with us and dying with us. We are family. Families talk with each other.

Marlene and Gerald Kaufman live in Akron, Pa., and are authors of Necessary Conversations Between Adult Children and Their Aging Parents (Good Books, $12.95).