How to do nonviolent communication in a peace church

Throughout his life and ministry, Jesus both modeled and called his followers to a life of nonviolence. The Mennonite faith tradition takes this call seriously. Our commitment to nonviolence has guided many generations’ response to military service and witness to justice and peace. Here, nonviolence takes an outward direction, from the church toward the world. But as we now find our church in a time of discernment that can involve disagreement, our distinctive peace witness is at stake.

Our Confession of Faith in a Mennonite Perspective reminds us that our core value of nonviolence is not only a witness to the outside world but fundamental to our life together in the church. “Led by the Spirit, and beginning in the church, we witness to all people that violence is not the will of God [emphasis added].” If the church is indeed the first place where believers witness to nonviolence, then nonviolent communication can help shape the way we treat one another in the church. Even where disagreement is inevitable, it matters how we disagree.

While disagreeing, people naturally express their values and feelings with passion. Anxiety rises when we sense a threat to our values or identity. Sometimes, however, words can come across in a violent manner as we express heartfelt convictions. We may react quickly, responding out of fear rather than faith. I am troubled when I hear comments such as, “Have you forgotten Christ’s call to justice?” or, “You don’t believe the gospel” within our church. Is there a way we can disagree and hear one another with respect and compassion?

Violent communication is at play when we speak to one another with the sole purpose of judging who is right and who is wrong. This usually means we are trying to prove ourselves right and the other wrong. Whenever someone—be it an individual or a group—uses their power over others to win at their expense, harm is done. In this way, communal discernment in the church can become violent when demands and judgments are made.

Contrary to the old saying, sticks and stones may break our bones, but words do hurt us. In reflecting on the disagreement I see throughout Mennonite Church USA, I am grieved when I hear our witness to nonviolence undermined by the way we speak to one another.

What about Jesus’ teaching on accountability and the historic use of “the ban” in the Anabaptist tradition? How do we honor both our commitment to nonviolence and our core convictions? Jesus rejects judging others (Matthew 7:1-5) but also teaches about holding one another accountable in the faith community (Matthew 18:15-20). These are not mutually exclusive.

For example, in this article I am seeking to hold us in Mennonite Church USA accountable to our core value of nonviolence without adding more violence to the conversation by judging people with whom I disagree. I try to avoid language that accuses or attacks, seeking instead to write in an invitational manner.

How we disagree matters. When we show compassion, we aim to understand the other’s experience and connect with them through empathy. As we interact nonviolently, we may even be able to recognize in someone else the same needs and values that we ourselves cherish.

Simply keeping silent about what really matters is not the answer to disagreement, either. In reflecting on my own approach to conflict, I told my seminary professor I tend to remain silent for the sake of the peace of the church. She challenged me, “Is it true peace if you still carry the conflict inside you?”

Using this approach, I may avoid outer conflict but at a great cost to my inner self. When we suppress our true feelings, we do not move closer to unity with our brothers and sisters; rather, we may harbor resentment. When conflicts (whether inner or outer) are not fully addressed, we damage the integrity of ourselves and our community.

Nonviolent communication (NVC), developed by Marshall Rosenberg, offers a way for us within a peace church to love our neighbors as ourselves. It provides tools for managing conflict, focusing on the underlying needs and values that lead to intense feelings. The NVC process guides us in a compassionate flow of communication, based on observations, feelings, needs or values, and requests:

• We make observations that affect our well-being. We describe what we see others doing without labeling or judging their behavior.
• We state our feelings about what we observe. We own these feelings rather than accusing others of making us feel that way.
• We express the core needs or values that create our feelings. We share what we need or value, which the other person’s behavior may bring to light but does not cause.
• We make requests (not demands) that will enrich our life. We ask for clear, concrete actions from the other person. (Or we become aware of how we’d like to change our own behavior, in which case we make a request of ourselves).

The NVC process gives careful attention to how observations, feelings, needs and requests are expressed. NVC is much more than making “I” statements. Consider, for example, if someone were to disagree by saying, “Because you don’t take the Bible seriously, I feel like you aren’t a true Christian. I need you to believe the real message of the gospel. Please consider God’s truth instead.” One can only imagine that the person on the receiving end of this comment would feel angry or defensive. Let’s try using NVC to break this statement down and uncover its underlying violence, then rebuild it in a nonviolent way.

Observations. “Because you don’t take the Bible seriously.” While this may seem like the speaker is describing what he/she sees, it is actually a judgment. The speaker is judging the way the other person reads and interprets the Bible.

Feelings. “I feel like you aren’t a true Christian.” When a statement about what one feels includes the word “you,” it is a red flag that another judgment is being expressed. Feelings are about us, not the other person. Here again, the speaker is judging the status of the other person’s faith.
Needs. “I need you to believe the real message of the gospel.” Again, a statement of what we need should not include the word “you.” This sounds more like a demand than a need or a value. The speaker is also making a judgment that he or she knows the real message of the gospel, and the other does not.

Requests. “Please consider God’s truth instead.” While this may be a request, it is a violent one. The speaker is implying that he or she knows God’s truth and the other does not. Requests should be made in a way that respects the other person, not tears them down.

How might some of the same ideas be shared nonviolently? I can imagine this conversation happening without violence if the speaker would say, “When you cite biblical references for your point of view (observation), I feel uneasy (feeling) because I’ve always understood the Bible to say something different. I value a different kind of biblical interpretation (value). Would you be willing to listen to my perspective and then share how you came to another understanding (request)?”

Another key part of NVC is listening. After we have shared our observations, feelings, needs and requests, we listen as the other person responds. Rather than thinking about what we will say next, we are fully present and listen carefully for their core needs and values even if they are not spoken outright. What is at stake for the other? What really matters to him or her? Although we may have different ways of meeting these needs or living out these values, we connect with the other’s heart when we understand their needs, values and desires. We repeat back what we hear, asking questions to make sure we fully understand. It makes all the difference in the world when those disagreeing feel they have been heard, valued and understood.

Throughout the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus calls his followers to a higher righteousness. In the Sermon on the Mount, long regarded by Anabaptist-Mennonites as the capstone of Jesus’ teaching, Jesus expands the law and the prophets by shifting each command from the visible to the invisible. Among many things, Jesus renounces anger, retaliation, hatred of enemies and a judgmental spirit. He explains, “All who exalt themselves will be humbled, and all who humble themselves will be exalted” (Matthew 23:12). This can shape how we speak to one another in the church. Compassion and humility are essential for our communication.

After people in conflict have shared and truly heard one another in a respectful manner, they may still find themselves holding different beliefs. This is OK; NVC does not expect everyone to agree. Members of Mennonite Church USA will continue to disagree, and some may even determine they can no longer belong to the same denomination. But throughout the process, we all can continue to witness with integrity that violence is not the will of God. We can affirm our commitment to nonviolence by expressing our observations, feelings, needs or values, and requests, then compassionately hear others share their own. Mennonites have a distinctive peace witness that the world desperately needs, but we in the church need it, too. It really matters how we disagree.

Sarah Ann Bixler has served throughout Mennonite Church USA in education, youth ministry, curriculum writing, church planting and conference leadership. She is a Master of Divinity student at Princeton (N.J.) Theological Seminary.