Mennonite Church USA

Some things are hard for us to talk about in public. At times we refer to them as “the elephant in the room,” the anxiety-ridden topics we cannot comfortably broach around certain people or situations.

These elephants may crowd the pulpit in church, just as they inhabit our family living rooms and lumber about in the public square.

In the midst of the current debates about human sexuality, and especially same-sex relationships, I often hear reference to the sentence in Article 19 of the Confession of Faith in a Mennonite Perspective—”We believe that God intends marriage to be a covenant between one man and one woman for life.”

I heartily support that commitment and note that the Confession goes on to say: “According to Scripture, right sexual union takes place only within the marriage relationship.” This, too, I affirm. It highlights the church’s commitments to celibacy for the unmarried and sexual fidelity for those who are married.

Whereas we’ve often referred to homosexuality as the “elephant in the room,” I wonder if an even bigger elephant in the room has to do with the many ways we fail to live up to the stated norms of celibacy and fidelity.

For example, it seems that we are hesitant to publically address the incest that plagues our church families, the sexual abuse of women and children in our congregations, the hookup culture that lures our teenagers, the problems with sexually transmitted diseases, the practice of couples living together before marriage, addiction to pornography, or the infidelity that breaks up marriages.

Let me be clear—having an elephant in the room doesn’t mean there’s no talking going on. There may be plenty of whispering, gossiping, finger-pointing accusations, under-the-breath muttering and even sorrowful lament of shortcomings to a confidant.

But it’s difficult to have a public discussion about these matters, even in church. It’s much safer to live with a “don’t ask, don’t tell” approach.

Why? Is it because most of us realize we fall short of God’s highest calling, and we don’t want others pointing their fingers at our failures any more than they want us pointing our fingers at theirs? Or is it because the church’s stated confessions no longer reflect our heartfelt convictions? Does our silence suggest that we no longer expect celibacy, a standard the church has expected from singles—whether never married or formerly married—for generations? Have we come to accept the societal assumption that the regulation of one’s sexual desires is outdated and potentially harmful?

The statements on human sexuality adopted at Saskatoon (1986) and Purdue (1987) were adopted more than a generation ago, before the widespread use of the Internet or social media. The immediacy and accessibility of social media has introduced immense changes in the way we communicate with each other, even about the most intimate spaces in our lives.

Where then is the place to have meaningful public conversations about life-giving intimacy and genuine interpersonal relationships, with encouragement to love and to be loved in keeping with God’s intent? Too often, in its preoccupation with “shoulds” and “ought nots,” the church has not been a healthy place for that discussion.

Over the past few years, we have spent a disproportionate amount of time discussing homosexuality, creating an imbalance of the church’s public voice on sexual matters. In light of the current debate on same-sex relationships, our youth could easily get the mistaken impression that church people only engage in same-sex relationships.

I’m not suggesting that we set aside the difficult and divisive topic of same-sex unions in the church. I’m simply saying that we need to spend a much greater proportion of our time discussing the nature of healthy heterosexual relationships and the ethical behaviors we expect to live by as followers of Jesus, whether single or married.

Sometimes, the hardest topics to address reveal our greatest need for God’s healing touch.

Ervin Stutzman is executive director of Mennonite Church USA.