New Voices: By and about young adults

What’s the difference between a fight and a conflict? It’s a question we as a people actively seeking Christ’s peace should probably be asking ourselves more often …

What’s the difference between a fight and a conflict? It’s a question we as a people actively seeking Christ’s peace should probably be asking ourselves more often.
If you want to take the easy way out, you may tell me a fight includes violence. That seems right. But what is violence? Is it just physical? In an age of attack ads and cyber-bullying, we all know how much violence we can do to one another without even standing in the same room. So with all this nuance, how do we make sure that we’re dealing with our conflicts—the ones without violence—in a way that doesn’t make them into fights—the ones with violence?

I have learned about a marriage study that has helped me answer this question. As I recall, the study followed married couples and looked for characteristics that showed up repeatedly in successful marriages but showed up rarely, if ever, in unsuccessful ones.

One characteristic that showed up again and again in the conflicts of successful marriages was this: Both partners were able to affirm their commitment to each other and to affirm the value of their partner while arguing. I’ve been married for less than four years, but I already know that it would be setting the bar high to expect us to make a These-are-my-favorite-things-about-you list every time we’re frustrated with one another. But I do think we need to affirm our commitment to each other often and acknowledge that to do the opposite—to disagree in a way that takes our unconditional commitment to each other off the table—is to argue violently.

Does this mean I believe that anyone who leaves or asks a partner to leave under any circumstances is doing violence? Certainly not. When one partner continuously resorts to violence to undermine the humanity of the other, leaving may be the only way to stop the violence. In fact, in one of the rare moments where Jesus speaks specifically and directly to a particular issue, he reminds us of this. Sometimes we have to stop ourselves during a conflict and gauge this. But we need to do so honestly and sincerely because it’s all too easy to let ourselves off the hook by deciding the other person “deserves” a threat.

That said, if we decide something is up for discussion, then we need to discuss it without violence. We need to disarm before the conflict by agreeing that we will refuse to use threats of leaving or asking the other party to leave. We must refuse to withhold any part of the other person’s full say in the relationship while we discuss. It will be tempting to use threats to get the upper hand as the argument gets harder or if we feel that what’s at stake is particularly important, but we need to honor our partner, the process and, most importantly, Christ’s call to nonviolence by staying true to our commitment.

As I look at Mennonite history and at the Mennonite church today, I find myself wondering what this marriage researcher would find if he or she were following us and taking notes. In the midst of a conflict, how often have we reaffirmed our commitment to one another in spite of the conflict? How often have we agreed that something deserves an open conversation but then threatened to leave, quit or revoke someone else’s involvement?

This researcher likely would find that our track record isn’t promising. Our history is full of schism, caused by discussions where unconditional commitment was taken off the table as things got heated.

The questions we’ve taken too long to ask then are these: Do we continue to perpetuate our flawed historical model of church fighting? Or are we boldly breaking this cycle to move our covenanted faith community to deeper, more peaceful commitment—the kind that honors all conflicting partners without the violence of punishment or abandonment?

Despite our fights, we are fortunate to still have our church today, and this makes us fortunate enough to still have time to turn our fights into committed conflicts. We’d do well to ask ourselves: What conflicts have we agreed we will openly dialogue on? And how then should we make sure those are faithful discussions and not just fights?

Peter Epp teaches Mennonite studies in Gretna, Manitoba, and is a member of Young Adult Fellowship.