A blog reader asked me to write about the choices and priorities my husband and I are making as parents of a toddler. She had observed some qualities she liked in Plain Mennonite families of her acquaintance and was interested in hearing my perspective on parenting. 

Because learning how to parent well is big on my mind right now, the article she suggested morphed into a series — intended less as a “how-to” and more as a look at my own parenting goals, with an eye toward how my Plain background has influenced those goals. 

This column tackles one subject that arose during the blog series, a subject that applies not only to babies but to adults, too. 

(If you are interested in reading posts geared more specifically to parenting, you are welcome to visit my blog at lucindajkinsinger.com.)

Annalise’s pediatrician made an -interesting comment on the importance of boundaries for children. Sometimes children act out simply because they haven’t learned boundaries, he said. I suppose his comment caught my attention because I have been accustomed to thinking about discipline rather than boundaries in conjunction with raising a child. 

In my conservative Mennonite culture, discipline for children is considered important. A well-disciplined child should obey a parent or authority figure right away when given a command, know how to sit quietly in church and not throw a fit when something doesn’t go her way. 

For me, “discipline” has a negative connotation. It means punishing a child who does something wrong in the interest of teaching -morality and self-control. 

Boundaries, though. It makes so much sense to look at child training not as a matter of discipline but of teaching boundaries. 

While boundaries may at times be taught through punishment, they are more often taught through modeling respect and small, consistent behaviors every day. 

For example, when Annalise and I pick up her toys at bedtime, I am teaching a boundary. Toys belong in the toybox. When she throws food from her highchair and we tell her “no” and show her where to put the discarded food in the pocket of her bib, we are teaching a boundary through positive reinforcement. 

These are baby-sized boundaries, but as she gets older, she will need to learn others: not using unkind words, not taking what does not belong to her, not intruding into someone’s personal space. 

Another word for boundaries might be respect. Respect for other people. Respect for creation. Respect for oneself. 

I remember attending a college creative-writing class and realizing the value of the boundaries that were a part of my life and my culture. Some of the boundaries, like wearing cape dresses or dark hose to church, may have seemed nonessential or even silly. But my dad had taught me those boundaries were important in order to respect the feelings and preferences of other people in my church group. 

The reasons for other boundaries, like not feeding on books or movies high in graphic violence or sex, seemed fairly self-evident for a Christian. Whatsoever things are true, honest, just, pure, lovely, the apostle Paul writes, if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think about these things. 

In my creative writing class — in a world that, to my sheltered eyes, seemed to hold few boundaries on what people could say, do or write about — I saw so much sadness and loss of innocence it shocked me. I realized for the first time how my boundaries had protected me, how they had preserved within me a space for joy, innocence and wonder.

We know we should set boundaries for children, but I think we should also set boundaries for ourselves. We are old enough to know there is terrible violence in the world, but that doesn’t mean we should make watching graphic violence on television or movies a part of our everyday diet. 

Our spirits, like our children’s, can be hardened, deadened or made afraid. I believe we will be healthier and happier if we set boundaries not only on what we allow into our children’s lives but also our own.