I was 15 the summer of the Mennonite Youth Convention in Charlotte, N.C., and during that week I had an encounter with Phil, a friend of mine. He had been struggling with some things, and after listening to Phil’s grief, I went away ebullient, thinking, God, I want to do more of this. Although I had been baptized as an infant, I decided then that I wanted to be baptized again.

Seven years have passed—seven years of discovering God, then losing God as my faith crumbled, disenchanted and repulsed by the church, as I’ve struggled to rebuild an authentic and meaningful faith, as I’ve sought a language that resonates with my faith, as I’ve learned (and relearned) to un-numb and enter into awareness of the ever-present Divine.

Four years ago, in my high school senior faith statement, I said I wasn’t sure I wanted to be a Christian, but a few months later I chose Christianity and the faith community surrounding it. Knowing spirituality is an integral part of who I am, I knew I needed some faith tradition and didn’t want to start from square one with an unfamiliar one, and I couldn’t deny how Christian values and stories had woven themselves into my life, so I chose to delve deeper into the faith tradition I was given.

Although I chose Christianity at that time, I hadn’t yet sorted out how Jesus fit in or what Jesus meant to me. The “Savior” and “Son of God” language used to describe and name Jesus repelled me. Yet the values in Jesus’ teachings captured me. Seeing how boldly Jesus lived to show that bringing justice, grace, love and peace to the broken, marginalized and untouchables in society was more important than fearing death.

The core of my faith since I was 13 has been to love so intensely. I’ve found expression of this love in listening, one of the beloved partners of love. As I affirm God’s goodness at the heart of humanity, planted deeper than all that is wrong, listening to others different from me is essential—learning from them and delighting in them, affirming and sympathizing with them, offering them a space to be authentic and vulnerable.
This summer, during 10 days at the Taizé community in France, something shifted. At evening prayer, the brothers leave their space and bring a cross with a black Jesus to a space where people are invited to kneel before it and pray.

I’ve had many teachers and mentors, but Jesus has never been among them. But as I knelt at the feet of this black Jesus, something in me opened, and I chose Jesus as my mentor, teacher and Lord. I choose to sit at the feet of Jesus, as Mary did, to learn from his radical compassion, love, grace and wisdom. And I commit to seeking a vocation that will serve the needs of the world and further the kingdom of God as Jesus envisioned it.

Near the end of high school I was vocal about my questions and frustrations with the church, but after an intense two years of grappling with those things, I quieted. I was weary of the dissonance I felt. I’ve learned to trust my voice again, to speak from my core of wisdom and intuition society doesn’t always validate or want to hear.

Seven years later, I stand before you, ready to be baptized—with integrity. The church is “the love that will not let me go.” You have surrounded and held me, nurtured and loved me. Thank you—and know that I look to you for continued guidance and support as I venture into whatever life will bring me, and I publicly enter this community to work and worship among you as a person of faith, committing to use my gifts and my voice to serve the church and participate in church life.

Stephanie Hollenberg is a member of College Mennonite Church in Goshen, Ind.