Trigger warning: This piece contains mentions of child abuse and sexual assault.

A few years ago, I wrote a piece that was published in the Canadian Mennonite and then republished by Anabaptist World regarding my experience with sexual assault. I received an outpouring of support, care and validation for sharing my story. At the same time, so many women opened up to me and shared their own experiences of sexual assault. It was hard to write about my experience. It was hard to acknowledge it publicly. It was hard to try and support the process of many others to name their own abuse. However, there were unintended consequences that were even harder to deal with, from which I still experience shock waves.

Members of my own family approached me to disclose their own story of abuse to me. Sometimes this abuse had happened when they were children. And they weren’t the only ones disclosing childhood sexual abuse to me. Others from my community had also named abuse that had happened in Mennonite contexts, in Mennonite families, from Mennonite leaders, even. Sometimes the abuse had taken place in churches I had known and loved — and from individuals I had met and socialized with. It shook me to my core to know that there weren’t only predators walking around me, but child molesters at that; and that no one was doing anything about it. It still makes me sick.

I am writing about this now because it would be easy to judge those who cry out for the Epstein list to be revealed. I think it has become such a political issue that we stop thinking of what is really at the core: Who are the people targeting and harming our children? It isn’t just a conspiracy theory; these issues are real, and they happen in our families and in our churches, even our good, pious Mennonite ones. Especially our good, pious Mennonite churches. In fact, I sometimes wish we had “the Mennonite list” to know which “alleged” predators to avoid.  (Mennonite Abuse Prevention does contain a database of known predators.)

This is obviously a topic that needs a lot more conversation than in a Five Things Friday Roundup summary. However, if you (like me) are overwhelmed and don’t know where to start in trying to tackle this conversation in your family and church, I suggest the following five things I’ve been reflecting on this past week.

1. Ask if your church has a safe church policy

Often, congregations will have a safe church policy. This means that people working with children and vulnerable populations, even in a volunteer capacity, must have background checks done that are kept up to date in church files. Sometimes the updating of these policies and files isn’t maintained very well (speaking from experience as a church worker). It is of the utmost importance to not only have the files up to date, but to also continually update the safe church policy to reflect new learnings on how to keep children and other vulnerable populations safe at church.

2. Talk about boundaries during children’s time

Although we all love to think of church as one big happy family, it is never inappropriate to teach how to set healthy boundaries, even when it comes to family. Children mainly learn from example, but they also remember what they hear. We cannot underestimate the impact of an adult from their community telling them in front of the whole congregation that it is okay to set limits with others. This could also be a Sunday School lesson.

3. Talk about consent during Sunday School

Even though one may think that this is a conversation for parents to have at home (and it totally is), it would do no harm to reinforce the concept of consent at church. Again, church adults, such as Sunday school teachers, are very important figures to impressionable children. Sunday School teachers invoke authority and knowledge, and in many ways, express the love and concern of the church and Jesus to the children under their care. Conveying the message of consent, and identifying themselves as a safe people to disclose to if someone ever wants to talk about a bad experience, could be a lifeline for a child.

4. Exemplify believing victims

I have heard many incredibly invalidating comments from loved ones and church folks when it comes to my own experience of trauma and abuse. Recently, someone made remarks to me along the lines of “your experience wasn’t as bad as theirs.” I responded: “This is why victims don’t come forward, because they get invalidated like this.” Children are always listening to the way adults respond. They are taking it all in even before they are out of the womb. Victims are also listening to the ways you may respond to others. Before you make a comment that invalidates someone’s experience, consider this question: “What if my child was listening?”

5. Hold a victim-centered, trauma-informed approach

Mennos love talking about restorative justice (that is, if the offense is not on their turf). Restorative justice actually takes a lot of time and effort. It is emotionally draining and cognitively hard. I am not against restorative justice. I am, however, against it when it comes to child and sexual abuse cases, at least at the start. It has been in the norm in Mennonite contexts for victims to be rushed, forced or coerced and expected to forgive, and then hold space and relate to their perpetrators. Yes, Jesus came for the sinners and the vulnerable alike, but he held the sinners accountable for their trespasses. The vulnerable he treated with care and often defended them from the societal shame that was imposed onto them. Victim-centered, trauma-informed approaches to dealing with issues of abuse should be the standard. If the victim later wishes to engage in a restorative approach, then that can be supported.