Posted on 05/11/08 at 11:45 PM

In honor of my birthday last Sunday, here’s something completely different.

The setting was the summer of 1995. I had just turned 14 and was in that awkward space between junior high and high school. I was still adjusting to a new town that my family had moved to a year earlier. The World Wide Web was only a year old and I still hadn’t heard of it, let alone seen it.

So what’s a internetless budding geek to with himself? Write gushing letters to food companies in an attempt in hopes of reaping free goodies, of course. Here’s a verbatim sampling of these bizarre (and highly succesful) excercises in flattery. For brevity, I’ve only included my signature sign off in the final letter.

July 11, 1995

Pearson Candy Co.

St. Paul, MINN 55116

Dear Mr. Pearson (or whoever’s reading this),

I recently ate one of your Peppermint Patties and was blown away by it’s fresh minty flavor and rich choclatey coating. I don’t think I’ve ever had anything quite as refreshing as that patty. I was so refreshed I decided to write a letter and thank you for the amazing experience.

The response to this letter is what inspired the rest. I received a box of peppermint patties and a note saying that my letter had been posted on their bulletin board. I learned an important lesson in how to win the hearts of corporate letter readers with the power of enthusiastic praise.

July 11, 1995

Kraft, Inc (Lemon Squeeze)

Glenview, IL 60025 USA

Dear Mr. Kraft (or whoever’s reading this)

I recently had some of your Lemon Squeeze packets at Dairy Queen and absolutely loved them, I’ve never seen Lemon juice in packets before and thought it was a pretty good idea. The Lemon juice had just the right flavor, not to bitter and not to sweet and just a little bit salty, I’ve really never had lemon juice as good as yours. Thank you for your great juice.

July 12, 1995

H.B. Reese Candy Co.

Hershey, PA 17033-0815, U.S.A.

Dear Mr. H.B. Reese (or whoever’s reading this letter)

I WAS ABSOLUTELY APALLED THE PEANUT BUTTER WAS EXACTLY 2.5 MILLIMETERS OFF CENTER OF THE PEANUT BUTTER CUP. Just kidding, actually I absolutely love your peanut butter cups and couldn’t care less whether their off center or not. It’s amazing how you make that rich chocolate covering and luscious peanut butter filling. My mouth waters just thinking about it. I just want to thank you for your amazing candy.

July 24, 1995

Nabisco Foods: Lifesavers Division

P.O Box 41

Winston-Salem, NC 27102 USA

Dear Mr. Noble (or whoever’s reading this)

I absolutely love your PepOmint Lifesavers. There cool minty flavor has given me a welcome blast of freshness many times during this hot and muggy summer. I don’t know what I’d do without that amazing taste. Thanks for the awesome experience.

July 24, 1995

The Famous Amos Chocolate Chip Cookie Corporation

Atlanta, GA 30346

Dear Mr. Amos (or whoever’s reading this letter)

I can’t tell you how much I love your chocolate chip cookies they rival my own grandmother’s cookies in taste. I can’t resist those luscious chocolate chips and crispy cookie. Why don’t you advertise so more people could enjoy the wonderful taste of Famous Amos’s Chocolate chip Cookies? Thank you for the awesome experience.

July 24, 1995

Jays Foods, L.L.C

Chicago, IL 60628

Dear Mr. Jay (or whoever’s reading this letter)

I absolutely love your Nacho Cheese Tortilla Chips. They’re amazing cheese flavor melts me away. Whenever I bite into a crunchy, crispy chip my mouth waters and I can’t help but reach across the table for another one of your delicous chips. Thank you for the awesome experience.

Exact Date Unknown

Ramen Noodles Consumer Cntr.,

Cambell Soup Company, Cambell Place

Camden, NJ 08103-1701

Dear Consumer Cntr. Person,

I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoy your soup. It’s so easy to make, and it’s great taste is better than most soups even my mom makes. I love all the flavors, especially oriental. Thanks for the experience.

Extra Inexplicable Bonus

(I’m not sure what free goodie I was going for here)

March 9, 1995

President Bill Clinton

1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

Washington, D.C. 20510

Dear Mr. President

I’ve heard on the news recently that the dollar is falling in value against the yen. Although I’m not an expert, I understand this may have someting to do with counterfeit $100 bills being circulated around the world. I think one very good solution to this would be to improve the bill (no pun intended) by making it less easy to counterfeit. Many other countries have done this with their bills of lesser denomination so I think the United States should be able to do at least as well!

Another solution to the counterfeiting problem would be going to the source and stopping it. I believe the bill that would best accomplish this would be the International Counterfeiting Deterrence Act of 1993 (H.R. 3385).

Sincerely,

Tim Nafziger