It has been a year of Mennonite gatherings, at least in the Western world.  Mennonite World Conference gathering for the 500th anniversary of Anabaptism occurred in Zurich in May, Mennonite Church Canada wrapped up its nationwide gathering this past weekend, and Mennonite Church USA gathering is this week, as well.

In a past life (it feels like), I would have probably been at one, if not all, of the above mentioned gatherings, mingling with my Mennonite friends. I would have helped with simultaneous interpretation; led worship; represented the board, as part of the planning committee; and came as a delegate. I remember these times of fellowship with others as some of the busiest and most exhilarating times in the church. Yet, in my somewhat short life as an assembly and convention nerd, many things have changed that have led me to step away from these spaces.

What follows is a list of very vulnerable and intimate reflections of why I am no longer attending these big gatherings of Mennonites. For some of these same reasons, in fact, I stay away from the churches and communities I once called home. It is where I am in my journey. My hope is that if anyone out there reads this and identifies with what I am saying, that it might help them not feel alone or ashamed. I hope that at some point I may (and you as well, my fellow reader) return and enjoy these spaces again, or perhaps find a new way to be involved in church and community. For the time being, I mourn, as the Psalmist often did: 

But I am a worm and not a man,
    scorned by everyone, despised by the people.
All who see me mock me;
    they hurl insults, shaking their heads.
“He trusts in the Lord,” they say,
    “let the Lord rescue him.
Let him deliver him,
    since he delights in him.”

Yet you brought me out of the womb;
    you made me trust in you, even at my mother’s breast.
From birth I was cast on you;
    from my mother’s womb you have been my God.

Do not be far from me,
    for trouble is near
    and there is no one to help.

Psalm 22:6-10 (NIV)

1. My illness(es)

I have written before about some of the intricacies of living with chronic pain, managing my mental health and the overall the perception that people have of individuals dealing with non-visible disabilities. Managing flare-ups that affect several aspects of my health has been a constant battle in my life; and as I imagine many might identify with what I’m going to say, stress and age don’t help with that. This has meant that I’ve had to slow down and really think about my involvement owing to my limited capacity and energy. It is a limitation and yet has also been a liberating practice. It has freed me from overscheduling and, therefore, overextending myself. Self-care comes to me not in the form of baths and facials, but simply making peace with my illness and my body’s limitations.

2. My service dog

I have also written before about service dogs, and mine has been handsomely featured on a picture for the article. I am currently in the process of training my next dog so that my current working pal can retire with dignity. COVID-19 triggered my efforts (and needs) to get my service dog certified and to educate myself in the provincial (because I live in Canada), federal, United States and state laws. Now I travel internationally with him, go to medical appointments, stay at hotels (even resorts!), go to restaurants and even preach with him next to me.

However, the process has been no walk in the park. People often try to tell me what I can and cannot do; they bring up things like allergies and phobias as a way to restrict my service animal’s mobility (and therefore, mine!), and overall make me feel unwelcomed. This happens particularly at churches or places with religious people. I would like to be in a space where people understand service animals are an extremely important part for people with disabilities, even non-visible ones. If folks have questions as to what they can or can’t ask of a service dog handler, they should look up their state and federal laws. 

3. My divorce

There are many versions of me that people may know. Nevertheless, the most common one for people in the church setting has been a “married” me. My ex and I were involved daily in things having to do with Mennonites fairly early on in our relationship some 14 years ago; so now that we are going through a divorce, people have to get used to a different version of me. Not that I have changed significantly (I don’t think), but dynamics with people will change; I am not naive about that. What keeps me away mostly is having to face the constant questioning of: Where is he? How is he? How are you guys? Until I am ready to speak about it, or until most people hear that we are not together anymore, it will probably be too overwhelming to be in those spaces we once were together.

4. My disillusionment with community

I am still a very strong believer in the fact that we need a community around us. In fact, I just recently had a conversation with a friend regarding this topic. We agreed that as humans, none of our physical, spiritual, relational or emotional needs can be satisfied in isolation. Nevertheless, I have mourned how people have responded when I’ve been in crisis. I understand that none of us are perfect, and grace is needed in abundance when dealing with God’s children, as Moses learned. I am learning to hold my community’s shortcomings as I’d wish they’d hold my own. Yet, the hurt sometimes at the dismissal of my own needs and concerns is too great. I might need a bit more time to find peace with this.

5. My guiding Light

“Walking in the Light,” as Quakers often say, is listening to the Spirit’s leading, often a leading coming from within. Most of my life I have not planned where I will be in five years; two or three is as far as I am able to get in terms of timeline. Yet never would I have imagined being where I am at, for better or for worse. My life has been full of adventures, and I consider myself an extremely privileged person that has had many opportunities for exploration and growth. I am eternally grateful to God and the Spirit’s leading for getting me to where I am at this moment. I will not say that I have felt the Spirit lead me away from being involved in church or attending conferences. Instead, I have been amazed by the leadings and presence of God in the most unexpected places as my life has taken turns I never saw coming.