1. Denial
A common reaction to loss is to deny that the loss has happened. Denial doesn’t have to look like outrightly saying the death did not occur. It can look like going back to daily routines as if nothing has happened, not acknowledging that the loved one ever existed, or bowing out of conversations that involve the loved one. As with all these stages, denial is valid. It’s a coping mechanism. However, it can prevent us from facing reality. My questions are: What purpose does this serve? What might be holding us back when we’re in denial?
2. Anger
Anger is a secondary emotion, with the primary emotion being sadness. That doesn’t make anger any less real. For some of us, this can be a surprising stage as we may not see ourselves as “angry people.” I would challenge that by saying that we all have the capability and right to be angry at times. Burying and not acknowledging our anger only makes it grow. Again, my questions: What purpose does anger serve? What might be holding us back when we’re in our anger stage?
3. Bargaining
I admit that the bargaining stage is the stage I understand the least. However, in my circles, I have seen bargaining happening in the form of recommitting to God, saying that if people turn their life over or renew their devotion, God might spare a loved one’s death. It can also take the form of “what if.” What if the loved one didn’t have that surgery? What if I had said “I love you” day before? I ask: What purpose does bargaining serve? What might be holding us back when we’re in our bargaining stage?
4. Depression
Depression is a common experience after loss, and it is a mental illness that we need to be aware of. Grief can trigger clinical depression. This is likely the most understood stage of loss. Loss triggers sadness. We may lose interest in daily activities, or depression may look like shutting others out. We may stop caring for ourselves or putting off our responsibilities. Being in the depression stage is understandable, but staying there without help can be dangerous. What purpose does depression serve? What might be holding us back when we’re in our depression stage?
5. Acceptance
It should be noted that the stages of grief are cyclical. One can arrive at acceptance and then go back to bargaining. It’s my belief that no one ever really “finishes” grieving; rather, we spend our lives in various stages of the cycle after deep loss. In acceptance, we might find ourselves at a place where we can honor our loved one and get back to living our own lives. In acceptance there’s a balance — not forgetting, but memorializing. It’s been my experience that in acceptance, there’s a tendency to romanticize our loved one, only thinking of the best qualities. The challenge to acceptance is remembering that our loved ones were human, full of quirks and flaws. Balance is key in acceptance. It’s also okay to come back to acceptance after going through this cycle again.
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