Riding a Chicago EL train one day, the man sitting across from me struck up a conversation. In a short time he asked, “Do you have kids?” No. “Do you want to have children?”

Actually, I plan not to.

Ask my partner Tim if he hears these same questions much. Nope. As a young woman, I can expect the question will come up in casual conversation with just about anyone: family and close friends of course (repeated numerous times over), my doctor, dentist, and hairdresser—it’s standard chit chat repertoire.

The fellow on the train decided to let me have it: “How selfish of you to not want kids!” Never mind I care for families as a pre-licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. He had not asked about my career.

My choice is one often overlooked. Most people (especially in Christian circles) assume marriage includes children. Parents tell me children are the most meaningful, precious thing they’ve experienced; I also hear about the costs of investing life in having kids.

I don’t know how parents do it, but I admire those who juggle work and family: they will all hear plenty of praise and encouragement from me.

I also acknowledge limits to choices about family, the pain of infertility, miscarriage, death, rape, domestic violence, broken relationships, mental illness, financial constraints. Birth is not entirely controlled, as with life.

I choose no kids with a sense of purpose and fulfillment in other ways. I personally do not want to do everything, or be all things to all people.

But what I do, I want to do with great love. My late mentor Rolland Smith taught the great commandment, “You can only love others as well as you’re able to love yourself.”

I am working out my own path of sacrificial love and lifestyle, an attempt to love myself so I know how to love others.

Tim and I thoroughly enjoy kids without having our own.

We recently adopted neighbor girls for a weekend so their parents could get away for their anniversary. We hiked and swam and Tim showed off his storybook speed reading, producing gleeful giggles.

Without kids of our own, we can focus extra energy and resources in support of Christian Peacemaker Teams. I have meaningful work as a therapist, with energy left to bring my charm to the party at Old Time Fiddlers. It’s a full life for us.

We desire to be seeds of The Beloved Community in a lifestyle for service—a meaningful choice not devoid of family relationships. I enjoy quality family times like I enjoy returning kids to their parents.

And I can live into my life. Call me Auntie.

This originally ran in the fall edition of Timbrel, the publication of Mennonite Women USA. Charletta Erb earned an M.A. in Marriage & Family Therapy from The Family Institute at Northwestern University. She is an intern at Family Therapy Institute, and Healthy Relationships CA. She has a bachelor’s degree from Goshen (Ind.) College in Peace, Justice & Conflict Studies with a focus in mediation & organizational conflict. While at Goshen College, she met her partner Tim Nafziger, and they now live in Ojai, Calif., where the hiking is beautiful. In her free time, she plays fiddle www.charfiddle.com.