For the past week, I’ve been sitting with a feeling that’s hard to hold: shame. “The feeling of shame evokes intense discomfort, and sometimes a desire to hide; people may describe feeling worthless, stupid, foolish, inadequate, or “less than.” “Shame can paralyze people, forming the lens for all self-evaluation… [it] can breed feelings of worthlessness, hyper-sensitivity, social anxiety, and loneliness.” This definition of shame from Psychology Today describes to a T what I’ve been experiencing.

“Everyone experiences shame occasionally—but some, unfortunately, are ruled by it, and therefore need to address it.” Over the past few years, things have happened that have brought intense feelings of shame to my life. At times, I may feel like I’m over these feelings only to face another hardship that sets me back and makes me question myself. 

However, the last few years have also taught me to stare right back at my shame and ask several questions: What have I actually done wrong, so I can do better? And perhaps even ask if it’s actually my shame to carry.

Shame can also give perspective (Is there anything I would have done differently?), so that we can take responsibility for our actions. We can also use shame as a starting point for approaching interactions and feelings in new ways.

Many people bury their shame. Mennonites are particularly good at hiding their feelings, including shame. However, it doesn’t stop there; the old tradition of shunning was a threat of shaming people out of their community that served as a tool to keep people compliant. So, shame has been both an unspoken tool and injurious in Mennonite’s lives for generations. And the options for how to cope with it are pretty much endless.

However, almost none of them lead to positive outcomes unless we actually confront the feeling, which means facing our shame by sitting with it and letting ourselves feel it. If we do this, what does shame say and what will we say in return? I invite you to explore how to confront our shame with the following five questions.

1. What?

Sometimes we don’t even know what we are experiencing. We feel uncomfortable and we want it to stop. So, we distract ourselves by keeping busy and ignoring whatever’s going on in our minds and bodies. A starting place might be to ask yourself: What am I feeling? We are often so afraid of this question because we don’t want to deal with the potential answer. However, ignoring the feeling does not make it go away or disappear. It actually lets it fester and even morph into other feelings or issues. It is better to deal with our feelings as they come, including shame.

2. Why?

After asking yourself what you are feeling, which could be any number of things. If you think you are feeling shame, ask yourself: Why am I feeling this way? There is often a root cause or trigger for the feeling. If it’s a more recent experience, think of interactions that you’ve had that left you feeling embarrassed, confused or that felt otherwise negative overall. If you have felt like this for a while, you can still ask yourself what in your life has made you feel this way through the months or years. There could also be multiple experiences or factors. The goal is to gain some insight as to what is bringing up the feeling of shame for you.

3. How?

Another important question that follows is how you would respond now. If having done what you did or having said what you said brought you shame, knowing what you know now, what would you do differently? Asking this question may help put things into perspective. Sure, I could have done things differently, but would that have changed the outcome? If so, is there a need for an apology? Is the shame’s source my actions, or how other people treated me, or how I think I might be perceived by them? Perhaps you are the one that is owed an apology. Asking how things could have gone differently might also lead to seeing flaws on both sides of an issue. The goal is to never avoid self-awareness or  accountability, if necessary.

4. Whose?

Many times shame takes over us without being “ours” to deal with. Shame is tricky in that it makes us feel bad even when we’ve done nothing wrong or don’t quite understand what is going on. Shame requires careful processing as to not dismiss potential responsibility and accountability for either ourselves or others. That is why it’s important to talk to a therapist, pastor or a close family member or friend that can help us see different angles of an issue and understand our part in it and potentially other people’s as well. Because shame tends to draw us into isolation, processing with others can be of help, particularly when asking whose shame is it to carry.

5. Where?

My last point is the one that may be the most familiar for folks, yet by far the hardest to achieve: grace. Extending grace to one’s self, and to others, can be the hardest part of dealing with shame, aside from taking the first step to deal with one’s feelings. We are all imperfect human beings. Yet, we were designed to make mistakes so that we could learn from them. Like inventions that were discovered by trial and error, our shame can teach us many things if we sit with it and listen rather than drown it down in business and pretend as if nothing is wrong. So, where do we go from here? God has extended grace to us, I plead you extend grace to yourself by making room for your feelings, including your shame, and ask the Holy Spirit to guide you in holding space to learn from your feelings.