“To enter the kingdom of heaven, you have to get baptized,” the Sunday school teacher told us.

“If you don’t get baptized, you will not be in the hands of God.”

She pointed to a poster of hands holding rays of sunlight. I envisioned myself in the hands. I thought: If only I were baptized. The scary part was when the teacher talked about burning in hell for eternity.

I was 9 years old.

After class, I told the teacher I wanted to get baptized. She was pleased. “You will soon be saved,” she said.

I didn’t entirely understand what getting baptized meant. But if it meant I wouldn’t burn in hell, that was enough.

This was not the first time I obeyed out of fear. I remember reciting the Ten Commandments at age 6 and feeling overwhelmed with the thought of what would happen if I disobeyed.

As I grew older, my fear pushed me into spiritual anxiety. I did not want to be told what to do.

My disobedience filled me with shame. I wanted desperately to be a good Christian, but I couldn’t carry the weight of being in debt to God. My adolescent years brought spiritual and emotional turmoil. The more mistakes I made, the further I felt from God.

I tried to mend my hurt through substance abuse. I began to resent God.

When I hit rock bottom, I had a re­surgence of faith. I was 17, coping with the loss of my uncle, healing from an abusive relationship, stuck in my substance abuse and disoriented from moving to another state. My mind and soul fell into despair. I wanted to die.

After many unanswered prayers, I decided that if God wasn’t going to let me die, God must be giving me a second chance. I dedicated myself to sobriety and treated everyone with patience, kindness and understanding. I distanced myself from those who had hurt me. I moved out of my mom’s house and went to live with strangers.

These strangers — Rich and Twila Lehman of Albany, Ore. — quickly became my chosen family. They listened to me, encouraged me and trusted me. Through their care, I felt the power of kindness to calm the mind. 

One day in the fall, they encouraged me to join them for their congregational retreat at Drift Creek Camp. I grudgingly agreed. I was feeling fine spiritually without a faith community. To me, church was a place of judgment. I felt safe without it. 

But soon I realized this was what I needed. I experienced kindness and genuineness. People listened to me and empathized with me. I felt seen, heard and supported by people who did not know me. I remember thinking that being loved makes a difference.

The next week, I decided to attend the congregation, Albany Mennonite Church. There I saw the people putting their words into action. I learned what unconditional love meant. I learned that judgment restricts people’s ability to be themselves. I was told I had value for simply existing.

I became someone new — one who sees peace, justice, nonviolence and stewardship as my values in Christianity. I asked to get rebaptized — to declare to God and others that I am committing myself to my Mennonite church out of love, honesty and faith. I wanted to be part of a community that treats everyone with love.

Now I am a Christian not because I have a debt to pay but because I am called to love others as God does.

And I am an Anabaptist — rebaptized, as the first Anabaptists were.

Kaytlen Keough of Newton, Kan., is the community engagement coordinator for Mennonite Central Committee Central States. She is a 2021 graduate of Hesston College and a 2023 graduate of Bethel College.