When fewer words mean more

As my friend rehearsed for me what she planned to say to her husband, I could see myself in her manner. She built her case, presented her view and left no clever phrase unsaid. She raised her voice to emphasize her point, lowered her voice to appear agreeable and paused dramatically when nothing else worked. Speaking to myself as much to her, I asked, “How about if you say it short, grin and be quiet? Then let him think about it.”

Like my friend, I have for years presented my ideas to anyone who would listen with a song, a dance and some snazzy flair. But I’ve concluded that this approach reveals my lack of trust in God and failure to love others. I’ve asked God to help me develop a less-is-more way of speaking.

Keep it simple: We often use words to get our way. Without realizing it, we dominate conversations by interrupting and exaggerating. We think we’re right, and we want others to share our beliefs or accept our advice. Other times we’re concerned about our reputation so we rattle on to defend ourselves.

In Jesus’ day, “evasive swearing” was common. As long as people avoided swearing by God’s name (instead by heaven, the earth, Jerusalem or even their own head), they could say anything and not mean it. This allowed them to impress others while being insincere. In contrast to their showy speech—and ours—Jesus’ instructions sound radical to a world that routinely speaks in italics: “Let your word be ‘Yes, Yes’ or ‘No, No’ ” (See Matthew 5:33-37.)

Taking our words to heart: Jesus’ teaching hints at our need to examine the motives behind our words. Since most of us are concerned about what others think, we use words to make a good impression. Knowing this helps us recognize when it might be best to remain silent.

Some time ago, some people I was serving with asked if I planned to attend a concert they were giving the next evening. I smiled and said no. I decided not to give my reason (I’d been traveling a lot and was reserving the next day for a sabbath) because if I explained myself, I would probably sound as if I were lecturing them about practicing a sabbath. I smiled again and asked them to tell me about their plans—which they loved doing. Less really was more.

True simplicity of speech flows from a heart filled with the compassion, truth and love of Jesus: “For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks” (Matthew 12:34). As my heart mirrors the heart of Christ—caring for others, trusting God with my reputation, abandoning my desire to have my way—my heart will direct my mouth to state an idea briefly and peacefully and then allow others full freedom to respond.

Speech therapy: Certain practices help us shift our conversations away from self and allow God to retrain us in speaking simply. They grow our confidence that God will work in our conversations without our over-the-top efforts. Here are a few practices to consider:

Silence. Times of silence retrain our mouths and quiet our compulsions to impress others through our words. We are relieved of the burden of making small talk. We may even journal about how we use speech to try to adjust others’ opinions of ourselves.

Following the example of a friend, I’ve attempted to practice the situational silence of not not giving my opinion unless asked. As I was teaching several nights at a church, I discovered the pastor’s daughter was a painter. Since art history is my hobby, I could not resist asking her who her favorite painter was. Even before she replied, I realized I was not listening for her answer. I asked her only because I wanted her to ask me that question. Recalling my intention not to offer my thoughts until asked, I disciplined myself to listen to her fully.

After she responded, she didn’t ask my opinion. So I asked her more questions. As she spilled out her thoughts, she became dear to me. I wondered with joy at the person God put in my life. I almost missed that moment of connection in my hurry to offer my opinion.

Confession. As we become more conscious of our showy speech, we can then ask ourselves what’s behind our words—self-importance? pushiness? disregard for the other person? After admitting this, we can ask God to help us plan the next step. For example, putting my hand over my mouth when I want to interrupt.

Attentiveness. Try waiting for an answer after asking others, “How are you?” If we truly listen, their answer will probably prod us to inquire further about them. Try answering questions with a simple yes or no. You won’t come across as uncommunicative if you also smile to let the person know you’re eager to be attentive.

When speaking with others, ask yourself, How can I love the people around me and hear their deeper selves in this moment? State your ideas briefly and instead of thinking about what you’re going to say next, look at the people you’re talking with and consider what they’re saying.

As we allow the practices of simple speech to retrain our hearts and mouths, we too will become the kind of people who see the hearts of others more easily. What a rich way to live!

Jan Johnson is a speaker and the author of Invitation to the Jesus Life: Experiments in Christlikeness, from which this article is adapted (www.janjohnson.org).